11 Movies That Don't Get Their Due

Ah, movies...Them “movin’ pictures” have certainly taken over every aspect of our lives—influencing the way we dress, walk, talk, and even think. While some may have fall to the wayside, gone and probably forgotten, others are lifted up and showered with undeserved hard-earned Oscars *coughGravitycoughcough*.

A few, though, fall into this weird little niche that is neither here nor there—the awkward, semi-palpable void of the cinematic world, if you will. These films each possess their own unique attributes and should hold a place in every movie-buffs’ collection, but for some reason, don’t. Allow me to lecture you on the poor choices the general public has made thus far…

11.       Mystery Men (1999)

Cast: Ben Stiller, Hank Azaria, William H. Macy, Janeane Garofalo, Kel Mitchell, Paul Reubens, Wes Studi, Greg Kinnear, Geoffrey Rush, Eddie Izzard, Tom Waits, Claire Forlani, Ceelo Green, Dane Cook

Recently, comic book titan Stan Lee made nerd headlines by denouncing the lack of “ugly” superheroes, and--unfortunately--the over-paid, over-hyped octogenarian is completely right. In a culture so completely overly-saturated with Iron Spider men and Dark Super Knight Xaviers, it would be nice to occasionally see a take on the shitty heroes, the D-listers--the ones not even good enough to make second (or third) string.

This film is exactly that. 

The costumes, the one-liners, the Eddie Izzard—but whenever I mention this film to someone, it’s always “Oh, but that's so bad! It’s such a shitty superhero movie!” Well, yeah, shit wads, that’s kind of the point. The father of two with a pot belly in place of a chiseled jaw, the bowling champion who bickers with her dead father about attending grad school—that’s what makes this film so great. There actually has some outstanding actors in it, too (want a mind fuck? Go watch Geoffrey Rush’s performance in Quills and then watch this). Yep, if you want a break from the tsunami of Marvel-DC crap, you’ve got to give this movie a try.

22.       Alien Vs Predator

Cast: Sanaa Lathan, Raoul Bova, Alien, Predator

Alien purists will hate me for this one, but fuck off 'cause I don't care. Anything with Alien (except for Resurrection) I totally geek out over, and this movie is no exception. I’ve always preferred Alien over Predator, and I love getting into debates with people over who really won the battle at the end. Really, the only reason they even have meat-bags in this film at all is just to add a bit of relatability to the film—basically just cannon fodder—skeet targets for the two real stars of the show. Moral of the story is, watch the movie for the AvP showdown, not because you’re really expecting an Oscar-winning performance. There’s a reason they didn’t spend any money on the casting.

3.       Sucker Punch (2011)

Cast: A bunch of people you’ve never heard of who were cast because they’re pretty. Also, Carla Gugino.

So many people—let me repeat that—so many people hate this film, and I think I know why. But, the thing is, they haven’t realized what makes this film so great. Wanna know it’s secret?

It’s a live-action anime.

While it’s not actually based on any anime I’ve ever scene (see what I did there?), stop for a minute and try to wrap your tiny brain around it. Beautiful women with bizarre power-ups and revealing outfits that find themselves in out-of-this-world situations who strip tease their way to freedom.

You don’t watch this movie for the plot, and you certainly don’t watch this movie for the acting. Just stop that right now. Just stop it. You watch it for the shiny. You watch it to see a little blonde schoolgirl trapped in an insane asylum fight off three, three-story tall stone samurai with a katana and a pistol. You watch it to bask in the glow of a mind-blowing soundtrack, including the best remake of “Go Ask Alice” that's ever graced these perfectly-sculpted, doubly-pierced ears (well...one hold grew back together...giggity). You go to see a B-25 Mitchell with Vanessa Hudgens inside it shooting a Browning M2HB at a giant fucking dragon. You go to see zombie steampunk Nazis being shot up by a giant bunny mech-suit. THAT’S why you go see this film, and THAT’S why it kicks ass.

44.       League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)

Cast: Sean Connery, Stuart Townsend, some other guys

Captain Nemo, the Hulk, Bella Swan and every American action hero EVER save the world from World War II machines designed solely for the destruction of mankind! Sunday Sunday Sunday!

That is basically this film.

Although they do kind of butcher some of literatures’ greatest characters in this film (the Mina Harker in this movie clearly read a different Dracula than I did), it is worth the watch for the joy of seeing these characters brought together into the same story line. Be honest: most of the reason why you loved The Avengers was because you got to see all those superheroes team up to participate in a battle of Brobdingnagian (look it up) proportions. Also: Robert Downey, Jr. Speaking of the Avengers…

55.       The Avengers (1998)

Cast: Ralph Fiennes, Uma Thurman, Sean Connery, Jim Broadbent, Eddie Izzard

No, not that one. The other one. The one with Uma Thurman (did you even read the cast list?). This movie came out when I was a kid and was still impressed with things like giant plastic bubbles you can walk in while crossing a lake. Well, okay...maybe I’m still impressed by those kinds of things.  Who wouldn’t? It’s a giant. Fucking. Bubble. And you can use it to walk on water. It’s a win-win here, people.

Anyways…

This film is delightfully campy and explosion-y, combining British spies with Uma Thurman and Sean Connery dressed as a weather-wizard teddy bear that wants to take over the world. Sean Connery is—basically—a furry in this flick. Also: Voldemort in a bowler.

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6.       Waterworld

Cast: Kevin Costner, Jeanne Triplehorn

When I was a kid, I always used to confuse this movie with Battlefield Earth, which I have actually never seen. I don't know, I also used to confuse Jim Carey with Drew Carey, and Julia Roberts with Sandra Bullock. Whatever. One of the few Kevin Costner movies actually worth watching (seriously, why is The Postman a thing?), it presents an interesting take on the whole post-apocalyptic world scenario: the polar ice caps have melted, and the few survivors sail between floating towns, bartering for supplies and salvaging whatever they can. For some reason, this poor kid some cruel parent named “Enola” is sporting a wicked back tattoo that will lead the last survivors to dry land, and adventure ensues.

Movies like this are pretty hit-or-miss, but, even though it stars one of Hollywood's biggest, most boring douchebags, it’s entertaining and unique, without sporting his usual Dances with Wolves banality.

77.       Mom & Dad Save the World (1992)

Cast: Teri Garr, Jeffrey Jones, Jon Lovitz, Wallace Shawn, Eric Idle, Kathy Ireland

Please tell me you’ve seen this movie and love it. 
Please. 
Heard of it? 

Not even once? Ugh, how disappointing, and we were getting to be such friends.

In a tongue-in-cheek, Married with Children meets Space Balls style, the plot follows a set of middle-aged suburbanite parents who get abducted in their station wagon so Emperor Todd Spango (Lovitz) can wed the lovely Marge (Garr). Unfortunately, the planet is filled with idiots, carnivorous, sewer-dwelling mushrooms and Kathy Ireland.

“Today Marge Nelson, becomes Marge Spango! And all across the planet, our hearts will do the tangooooo!”

I blame this movie for my hilarious, genius sense of humor that most people don’t often get but give me weird looks for.

Really though, this is an awesome film, and if you see it and hate it…well, I guess we just can’t be friends anymore. Also, I might have to put a hit out on you. So sad.

88.       Planet Terror (2007)

 Cast: Rose McGowan, Quentin Tarantino, Josh Brolin, Bruce Willis, Fergie

When this movie hit theaters as a double feature with Tarantino’s Death Proof, all I heard about was how much better Death Proof was, how Planet Terror was the weaker of the two films, how I shouldn't masturbate in a public theater. When I finally watched the two back-to-back, though, all I could think about was how much more I enjoyed Planet Terror.

While Tarantino’s Death Proof sports his classic long-winded, (at times) engrossing dialogue and gruesomely raw violence, Robert Rodriguez’s Planet Terror is unabashedly old-school.  A chick with a machine gun for a leg who leads a group of refugees out of a zombie-filled land and into safety?  Yes, please, I’ll take two. Plus, who could really hate any movie with Bruce Willis—like, ever? He even made Friends fun. Throw in a crashing helicopter that decapitates herds of mouth-breathing zombies with its’ blades, and you’ve got yourself an instant classic that can withstand any cameo-infused movie Tarantino forces himself into.

99.       9

Cast: Elijah Wood, Christopher Plummer, Martrin Landau, John C. Reilly, Jennifer Connelly

No, that’s not a typo. Putting 9 as number nine on this list was a complete (happy) accident. Then I kept it in there as I edited it because I was pleased with myself.

It seems to me that this film kind of came and went, and it’s a shame, because it was so beautifully done. A Little Big Planet Sackboy-esque doll wakes up in a post-apocalyptic future and attempts to save mankind.

The story itself is alright, but the real genius behind the piece comes from its’ Borrowers-esque use of small, everyday objects to create an entire microcosmic world that the viewer can easily identify with. It’s also fairly creepy in a Bioshock sort of way, and some of the monsters are just downright disturbing—like the robotic cat with a feline skull and glowing red eyes.

110.   Drop Dead Fred

Cast: Phoebe Cates, Rik Mayall, Marsha Mason (I didn’t recognize any of the names, either)

This was probably one of the most disturbing and most enjoyed films of my childhood—right up there next to that one scene from The Neverending Story with Atreyu and the wolf that I could never skip past because VHS tapes either skipped ahead too fast or not fast enough. You’d have to have lived in a closet your entire life not to know about this warped little bauble, and maybe it’s better if you did.

The story follows a young woman who has an imaginary friend from her childhood pop back into her life as she struggles to deal with her control-freak mother and womanizing husband. It’s every bit as bizarre as it has potential to be, and I still get weirded out when I think of Fred’s head getting caught in the fridge when someone closes the door. 

111.   Coraline

Cast: Dakota Fanning, Teri Hatcher, Keith David

Aw man, this movie you guys—you guys, this movie. It’s almost impossible for me to rave too much about it, but allow me to try:

How this movie was ever classified as a “children’s film,” I will never know. The movie was created by Laika, a Portland-based company that employs seemingly awesome individuals that you spend three hours talking to in a coffee shop who then never call you back even though things seemed to go so well? 

But I digress. 

Over the course of eighteen months, Laika produced the longest stop-motion film to date, with songs written by They Might Be Giants and ever-so-carefully crafted to be just as creepy as (in)humanly possible.

The plot follows Coraline, a mouthy little twat voiced by Dakota Fanning (enough said) who moves from Colorado to Ashland, Oregon. To be fair, I’d be pretty upset if I had to live in Ashland, too. The blue-haired child manages to find a secret, parallel world where people have buttons for eyes. Coraline is an extremely odd child and is not perturbed by this. Children are creepy as fuck. Anyways, as can be expected, things go awry and she ends up fighting for her familys’ life against the terrifying and only slightly caricatured Teri Hatcher.

The art in this film is reminiscent of Tim Burton’s earlier stuff, but much more detailed and with a refreshing twist of color contrast that he always seems to avoid. It is also rather reminiscent of Stephen King’s IT, in that it deals with children literally fighting demons their older, more “adult” companions seem to have little to no idea of whatsoever. Bonus: there are dancing, trumpet-playing rats and Scottie dogs with little angel outfits.

Regardless of your opinion of this not-so-brief (I like to ramble), definitely not-so-complete (I don't ramble well) list, I think one thing we can all agree on is that there are way too many movies out there that fall into cinematic obscurity, forever doomed to never receive the proper credit and passion they are owed. These films will be constantly lurking in the bargain bin section of the electronics stores, or pitifully sulking at the bottom of the “most downloaded” lists. So let's go watch some bad tv.

Serves me right for trying to eat healthy.

While feeling particularly self-righteous and smug today, I decided to make the landmark decision to eat lunch from the salad bar. Boldy I stalked past the fried, fatty foods, raising a skeptical eyebrow at the daily special: hot wings that smelled like barf.

Upon reaching my goal, I was a bit unnerved. Yes, the ingredients at the bar were protected by a sneeze-guard, but the lettuce was low and you never know who may have snotted into their hands and not used the tongs. Ruthlessly, I persevered. No ham cubes, a little bacon, olives, egg, cherry tomatoes, Italian dressing--yes, my rather smushed-looking masterpiece was almost complete. I turned around and made a pass at the opposite side of the bar, ignoring what looked suspiciously like a mesh of quinoa and tapioca pudding. 

Finally, (mostly) vegetarian perfection. My cousin would be proud. 

Then, terror struck.

As I sidled past the many grease-guzzling fatties in line behind me for their daily dose of chicken feed, I knocked over a large stack of plate-sized lids placed at knee-level. Lids ironically to be used to keep you from spilling things. Things like food. 

As I bent down to pick up the lids (always the contentious consumer and respectful patron), all the salad lids in the world could not stop the tragedy that was to come. Quickly, with reckless abandon, my salad flew took advantage of my immediate distraction and flew off the plate and onto the floor--using my precious Italian dressing as some kind of sick luging lube. 

As the blood rushed to my face, noises around me faded, and I achieved a heightened awareness of those around me waiting to get THEIR bastard salads--their foul cottage cheese and Thousand Island dressing-topped abominations. Using my plate as a dust pan, I hastily scraped up what was left of my salad (that now resembled something a very sick vegetarian would expel) with one of the accursed lids. 

At least it was almost over.

Oh God, where are those people who clean things up when there are spills? Janitors? I had a friend once who threw up in the store and had people fighting over who had to clean it up. Maybe that's what happened?

Almost done, and as I turn to rise, yet another stack of lids rains down next to me--I'm pretty sure the bitch next to me nudged them on purpose. Up they go. I will not be blamed for her folly. 

As I stand up, hands sticky with that fucking Dago dressing, a spindly old spinster hobbles up with a broom and a dust pan. "It's okay, honey, there's a hole right over there..." she motions to a trash can "hole" about half the size of what I need to toss my trash into. I hastily--nay, angrily--stuff it into the hole. Bastard salad can go to hell. 

Fuck it. I'm getting a burger.

Professional Attributes

There are times in our lives when we meet people we just do not get along with professionallly. The closed-minded boss, the coworker who thinks you should do things just a little (or a lot) differently, constantly ranting about their vast cosmic superiority within the realm of their half-cubicle. These people are something you must learn to get along with, even if you sometimes want to punch them in their fucking face.

I am not a particularly patient person when it comes to disagreements, so--in an effort to counteract that fact--I also try very hard to be a very non-confrontational person. Sometimes this does not work very well. Most of the time, actually.

When I believe in something strongly, I feel that it is very important that I am at least heard out. If I feel that I am not being listened to, or that my ideas are thrown out without so much as an attempt at consideration, I get very frustrated very quickly. I also have a tendency to be petty and speak before I think. I am very good at being a bitch; quite the proficient little cunt, I am.

It is the unfortunate combination of these two that tends to cause rather abrasive circumstances, that then lead to poorly-handled situations. I feel that the only way I can escape my frustration, my anger, my outrage at being ignored and brushed aside, is by spitting out whatever jabs and daggers my quick little tongue can slip out. It's not a silver tongue, no, that would be rather pleasing to the ear, and people wouldn't cringe when I reach this level of irrationality. No, I'd have to say it's more like iron: heavy, crude, strong and piercing.

I kind of wish I didn't have this attribute--it gets me into more trouble than I'd like to admit, and it can tend to torpedo my professional relationships in a way that is rarely--if ever--reparable. But, without it, I am also not the bitch I have come to love so much. So, I guess.....fuck you guys.