Ah, movies...Them “movin’ pictures” have certainly taken over every
aspect of our lives—influencing the way we dress, walk, talk, and even think.
While some may have fall to the wayside, gone and probably forgotten, others
are lifted up and showered with undeserved hard-earned Oscars *coughGravitycoughcough*.
A few, though, fall into this weird little niche that is
neither here nor there—the awkward, semi-palpable void of the cinematic world,
if you will. These films each possess their own unique attributes and should
hold a place in every movie-buffs’ collection, but for some reason, don’t.
Allow me to lecture you on the poor choices the general public has made thus
far…
11. Mystery Men (1999)
Cast: Ben
Stiller, Hank Azaria, William H. Macy, Janeane Garofalo, Kel Mitchell, Paul Reubens,
Wes Studi, Greg Kinnear, Geoffrey Rush, Eddie Izzard, Tom Waits, Claire
Forlani, Ceelo Green, Dane Cook
Recently, comic book titan Stan Lee made nerd headlines by
denouncing the lack of “ugly” superheroes, and--unfortunately--the over-paid, over-hyped octogenarian is completely right. In a
culture so completely overly-saturated with Iron Spider men and Dark Super Knight Xaviers,
it would be nice to occasionally see a take on the shitty heroes, the D-listers--the ones not even good enough to make second (or third) string.
This film is exactly that.
The costumes, the one-liners, the Eddie Izzard—but whenever I mention this film to someone, it’s always “Oh, but that's so bad! It’s such a shitty superhero movie!” Well, yeah, shit wads, that’s kind of the point. The father of two with a pot belly in place of a chiseled jaw, the bowling champion who bickers with her dead father about attending grad school—that’s what makes this film so great. There actually has some outstanding actors in it, too (want a mind fuck? Go watch Geoffrey Rush’s performance in Quills and then watch this). Yep, if you want a break from the tsunami of Marvel-DC crap, you’ve got to give this movie a try.
22. Alien Vs Predator
Cast: Sanaa Lathan, Raoul Bova, Alien,
Predator
Alien purists will hate me for this one, but fuck off 'cause I don't care.
Anything with Alien (except for Resurrection) I totally geek out over, and this movie is no exception. I’ve always
preferred Alien over Predator, and I love getting into debates with people over
who really won the battle at the end.
Really, the only reason they even have meat-bags in this film at all is just to add a bit
of relatability to the film—basically just cannon fodder—skeet
targets for the two real stars of the
show. Moral of the story is, watch the movie for the AvP showdown, not because
you’re really expecting an Oscar-winning performance. There’s a reason they
didn’t spend any money on the casting.
3. Sucker Punch (2011)
Cast:
A bunch of people you’ve never heard of who were cast because they’re
pretty. Also, Carla Gugino.
So many people—let me repeat that—so many people hate this film, and I think I know why. But, the
thing is, they haven’t realized what makes this film so great. Wanna know it’s
secret?
It’s a live-action anime.
While it’s not actually based on any anime I’ve ever scene
(see what I did there?), stop for a minute and try to wrap your tiny brain around it. Beautiful women
with bizarre power-ups and revealing outfits that find themselves in
out-of-this-world situations who strip tease their way to freedom.
You don’t watch this movie for the plot, and you certainly
don’t watch this movie for the acting. Just stop that right now. Just stop it. You watch it
for the shiny. You watch it to see a little blonde schoolgirl trapped in an
insane asylum fight off three, three-story tall stone samurai with a katana and
a pistol. You watch it to bask in the glow of a mind-blowing soundtrack,
including the best remake of “Go Ask Alice” that's ever graced these perfectly-sculpted, doubly-pierced ears (well...one hold grew back together...giggity). You go to see a B-25 Mitchell with Vanessa Hudgens inside
it shooting a Browning M2HB at a giant fucking dragon. You go to see zombie steampunk Nazis being shot up by a
giant bunny mech-suit. THAT’S why you go see this film, and THAT’S why it kicks ass.
44. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)
Cast: Sean Connery, Stuart Townsend,
some other guys
Captain Nemo, the Hulk, Bella Swan and every American action
hero EVER save the world from World War II machines designed solely for the
destruction of mankind! Sunday Sunday Sunday!
That is basically this film.
Although they do kind of butcher some of literatures’ greatest characters in this film (the Mina Harker in this movie clearly read a different Dracula than I did), it is worth the watch for the joy of seeing these characters brought together into the same story line. Be honest: most of the reason why you loved The Avengers was because you got to see all those superheroes team up to participate in a battle of Brobdingnagian (look it up) proportions. Also: Robert Downey, Jr. Speaking of the Avengers…
55. The Avengers (1998)
Cast: Ralph Fiennes, Uma Thurman, Sean Connery, Jim Broadbent,
Eddie Izzard
No, not that one. The other one. The one with Uma Thurman
(did you even read the cast list?).
This movie came out when I was a kid and was still impressed with things like
giant plastic bubbles you can walk in while crossing a lake. Well, okay...maybe I’m still impressed by
those kinds of things. Who wouldn’t?
It’s a giant. Fucking. Bubble. And you can use
it to walk on water. It’s a win-win
here, people.
Anyways…
This film is delightfully campy and explosion-y, combining British spies with Uma Thurman and Sean Connery dressed as a weather-wizard teddy bear that wants to take over the world. Sean Connery is—basically—a furry in this flick. Also: Voldemort in a bowler.
6
6. Waterworld
Cast: Kevin
Costner, Jeanne Triplehorn
When I was a kid, I always used to confuse this movie with
Battlefield Earth, which I have actually never seen. I don't know, I also used to confuse Jim Carey with Drew Carey, and Julia Roberts with Sandra Bullock. Whatever. One of the few Kevin Costner movies actually worth watching (seriously, why is The Postman a thing?), it presents an
interesting take on the whole post-apocalyptic world scenario: the polar ice
caps have melted, and the few survivors sail between floating towns, bartering
for supplies and salvaging whatever they can. For some reason, this poor kid
some cruel parent named “Enola” is sporting a wicked back tattoo that will lead
the last survivors to dry land, and adventure ensues.
Movies like this are pretty hit-or-miss, but, even though it
stars one of Hollywood's biggest, most boring douchebags, it’s
entertaining and unique, without sporting his usual Dances with Wolves banality.
77. Mom & Dad Save the World (1992)
Cast: Teri
Garr, Jeffrey Jones, Jon Lovitz, Wallace Shawn, Eric Idle, Kathy Ireland
Please tell me you’ve seen this movie and love it.
Please.
Heard of it?
Not even once? Ugh, how disappointing, and we were getting to be such friends.
Please.
Heard of it?
Not even once? Ugh, how disappointing, and we were getting to be such friends.
In a tongue-in-cheek, Married with Children meets Space Balls style, the plot follows a set of middle-aged suburbanite parents who get abducted in their station wagon so Emperor Todd Spango (Lovitz) can wed the lovely Marge (Garr). Unfortunately, the planet is filled with idiots, carnivorous, sewer-dwelling mushrooms and Kathy Ireland.
“Today Marge Nelson, becomes Marge Spango! And all across
the planet, our hearts will do the tangooooo!”
I blame this movie for my hilarious, genius sense of humor
that most people don’t often get but give me weird looks for.
Really though, this is an awesome film, and if you see it and hate it…well, I guess we just can’t be friends anymore. Also, I might have to put a hit out on you. So sad.
88. Planet Terror (2007)
When this movie hit theaters as a double feature with Tarantino’s Death Proof, all I heard about was how much better Death Proof was, how Planet Terror was the weaker of the two films, how I shouldn't masturbate in a public theater. When I finally watched the two back-to-back, though, all I could think about was how much more I enjoyed Planet Terror.
While Tarantino’s Death Proof sports his classic long-winded, (at times) engrossing dialogue and gruesomely raw violence, Robert Rodriguez’s Planet Terror is unabashedly old-school. A chick with a machine gun for a leg who leads a group of refugees out of a zombie-filled land and into safety? Yes, please, I’ll take two. Plus, who could really hate any movie with Bruce Willis—like, ever? He even made Friends fun. Throw in a crashing helicopter that decapitates herds of mouth-breathing zombies with its’ blades, and you’ve got yourself an instant classic that can withstand any cameo-infused movie Tarantino forces himself into.
99. 9
Cast: Elijah Wood, Christopher Plummer, Martrin Landau, John C. Reilly,
Jennifer Connelly
No, that’s not a typo. Putting 9 as number nine on this list was a complete (happy) accident. Then I kept it in there as I edited it because I was pleased with myself.
It seems to me that this film kind of came and went, and it’s a shame, because it was so beautifully done. A Little Big Planet Sackboy-esque doll wakes up in a post-apocalyptic future and attempts to save mankind.
The story itself is alright, but the real genius behind the
piece comes from its’ Borrowers-esque
use of small, everyday objects to create an entire microcosmic world that the
viewer can easily identify with. It’s also fairly creepy in a Bioshock sort of
way, and some of the monsters are just downright disturbing—like the robotic
cat with a feline skull and glowing red eyes.
110. Drop Dead Fred
Cast:
Phoebe Cates, Rik Mayall, Marsha Mason (I didn’t recognize any of the names,
either)
This was probably one of the most disturbing and most
enjoyed films of my childhood—right up there next to that one scene from The Neverending Story with Atreyu and the wolf that I could never skip past because VHS tapes either skipped ahead too fast or not fast enough. You’d have to have
lived in a closet your entire life not to know about this warped little bauble,
and maybe it’s better if you did.
The story follows a young woman who has an imaginary friend
from her childhood pop back into her life as she struggles to deal with her
control-freak mother and womanizing husband. It’s every bit as bizarre as it
has potential to be, and I still get weirded out when I think of Fred’s head
getting caught in the fridge when someone closes the door.
111. Coraline
Cast:
Dakota Fanning, Teri Hatcher, Keith David
Aw man, this movie you guys—you guys, this movie. It’s
almost impossible for me to rave too much about it, but allow me to try:
How this movie was ever classified as a “children’s film,” I
will never know. The movie was created by Laika, a Portland-based company that
employs seemingly awesome individuals that you spend three hours talking to in
a coffee shop who then never call you back even though things seemed to go so
well?
But I digress.
Over the course of eighteen months, Laika produced the longest stop-motion film to date, with songs written by They Might Be Giants and ever-so-carefully crafted to be just as creepy as (in)humanly possible.
But I digress.
Over the course of eighteen months, Laika produced the longest stop-motion film to date, with songs written by They Might Be Giants and ever-so-carefully crafted to be just as creepy as (in)humanly possible.
The plot follows Coraline, a mouthy little twat voiced by Dakota Fanning (enough said) who moves from Colorado to Ashland, Oregon. To be fair, I’d be pretty upset if I had to live in Ashland, too. The blue-haired child manages to find a secret, parallel world where people have buttons for eyes. Coraline is an extremely odd child and is not perturbed by this. Children are creepy as fuck. Anyways, as can be expected, things go awry and she ends up fighting for her familys’ life against the terrifying and only slightly caricatured Teri Hatcher.
The art in this film is reminiscent of Tim Burton’s earlier
stuff, but much more detailed and with a refreshing twist of color contrast
that he always seems to avoid. It is also rather reminiscent of Stephen King’s IT, in that it deals with children
literally fighting demons their older, more “adult” companions seem to have
little to no idea of whatsoever. Bonus: there are dancing, trumpet-playing
rats and Scottie dogs with little angel outfits.
Regardless of your opinion of this not-so-brief (I like to ramble), definitely
not-so-complete (I don't ramble well) list, I think one thing we can all agree on is that there are
way too many movies out there that fall into cinematic obscurity, forever
doomed to never receive the proper credit and passion they are owed. These
films will be constantly lurking in the bargain bin section of the electronics
stores, or pitifully sulking at the bottom of the “most downloaded” lists. So let's go watch some bad tv.