Baby Cage for Sale!

Ladies and Gentlenerds, I know having kids is hard. I mean, I don't have any of my own, or anything, but people tell me it's hard, and I once tried to raise a beta, and that was pretty frustrating. I imagine it's kind of the same thing, only with less fecal matter on the plants. Or maybe not, whatever.

One minute, you're organizing your eighteen tubs of Transformers by vehicle type and color (sub-categorized by quality of figure transformation, of course), the next, some little newborn nerdlet rugrat who clawed its' way out of your/your wife's/your partner's body with all the grace of a chest-burster on acid is jamming Arcee into orifices of your house you didn't even know it had (and you thought light sockets were your biggest problem!).

The madness ends now.

My dear nerdies, I present to you...The Baby Cage ZX2K.

Long gone are the days of penning your kid up in the kitchen like some common criminal while you overclock your hard drive (there are knives the kitchen! Sharp ones! The kid could use one of them to cut through the gate—and then no one would be safe!).

Made of ultra-durable, non-toxic Fenethylline, each Baby Cage is lined with luxuriously soft, easily cleanable, satin-lined Polyethylene. Allow your baby to bask in the lap of luxury by lapping at their state of the art, removable, wide-mouthed water bottle—conveniently attached with only the highest-quality stainless steel wire and outfitted with a medical-grade silicone nipple for the little allergy-prone bugger (he is your child, after all).

“But what about the gate,” you ponder? “Why, my little mouth-breather just chewed through my life-sized, stainless steel, model Buster sword like it was the human flesh he seems to have become so accustomed to.” Worry not, my friends! The gate of the Baby Cage ZX2K is made of nothing short of ultra-light, ultra-durable, titanium-alloy-coated steel bars. Even if he does manage to gnaw his way through the bars, it should slow him down long enough to get your PS1 black labels to safety.

With only 3 payments of $39.95, the Baby Cage ZX2K can be your ticket to financial independence and the solitary, non-committal lifestyle you've dreamed about since you saw that first grainy ultrasound. Order now, supplies are limited.

Happiness

Having someone choose someone else over you is a hard thing to accept. It's like they're saying, “You're not good enough for me, I'm choosing someone better. Someone who's worth my time.”

You hold onto that person with a piece of your heart—no matter how small—and, just when you think you've managed to accept and come to terms with the way life is in that particular situation, it throws you another twist and you're socked in the stomach without even the chance to clench.

So many people forget. Forget what it's like to be loved, what it's like to love others, or at least show that person the common decency that's supposed to be allotted to any other individual. Jobs, romance, relationships of any kind, really, are simply thrown out the window like your effort meant nothing. Like the work you put in, the heart, that shard of yourself—just wasn't enough to matter. Before you know it, that attempted masterpiece you've spent years sculpting, tweaking, trimming and curving just right has fallen to pieces, and you're left with a filthy slop, a heap of sludge and rubble of what you once were—what you once had.

The people who do these things, often times, are thinking of no one but themselves in that situation. It's a dog-eat-dog world, as they say, and if we don't grab a little bit of happiness for ourselves, then who will? The hurt it can cause, however, is often overlooked, even neglected, leaving the rest of us out in the cold.

These people are concerned with their own happiness, and not the happiness of others, or even what constitutes kindness in these situations. Their happiness, their joy in life, is so unattainable for them, that they must then turn to rejecting things they find hard, difficult, or unpleasant, even if it means getting diamonds in the end. They are to be pitied, to be learned from, to be sad for, not about. Tearing you down is not always a conscious decision for them, but it does not make that action right.

Do not let these people step over you to what is—in their eyes—the next great thing. Do not hold on to the past, do not let their choice hurt you in your everyday life. Grieve for the hurt, and mourn the loss of a friend, lover or missed opportunity. The opportunity lost was theirs. Don't forget that, and don't let it affect you for too long. Don't dwell on the past, it can only hinder your future.

And don't step over others in your search for your own happiness.